Life is the worst game you can play
by JustHadar
Summary: "Forgive me." I say to him. "Forgive me for being selfish." He turns toward me and smiles a pained smile. "All right, Katniss." He takes my hand. "I love you and you know it. No matter what you do I will not be able to be angry with you, I think." - What would happen if Peeta and Katniss were not return to the Hunger Games and were getting married on the Capitol?


**Hello everybody! I missed you all, even if I don't really know you XD**

**The idea for this fanfic came into my mind after reading Cathing-Fire in the fourth or fifth time. I reached to the part where they present Katniss' bride dresses in the Capitol, just before the announcment of the Quarter Quall. And I was thinking - what would happen if Peeta and Katniss were not return to the Hunger Games and were getting married on the Capitol?**

**Any way, after a long time I decided to publish this short fanfic here, after a great sucssess in my forum. The story started in Hebrew - my mother tounge - and I sat days to translate it. So I hope you'll like it and review and all that stuff X)**

**Rated M to the last part, you should wait for it . Should? you HAVE !**

**So, have fun guys ! (:**

*Sorry about grammer and spelling mistakes. Still working on it :D*

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**Part 1 – the train.**

This travel again, which I think it's never going to end. Throughout the day and throughout the night I sit in my trailer and watching the changing views and districts that pass by the train. Once in a while somebody comes and brings me food because I refuse to get out from the trailer, Haymitch or my mother or Prim, but not Peeta. I don't think I can look him in the eyes. I will need all my strength for later, to look him in the eyes and say what people expect me to say.

"You can't stay here all the time, Katniss." My mother says. She sits down next to me on the bed. "Come and sit with us at dinner and after you can come back here as long as you want."

"I don't want to come." I say without looking at her. "I want to be alone."

My mother doesn't argue. She just sighs loudly, running her hand on my hair. "It could have been much worse ..."I hear her whisper before she leaves the trailer.

For the first time since the beginning of the journey, tears are falling from my eyes uncontrollably. They wet my cheeks and leave wet spots on the sheets. I bury my face in my knees and sobbing loudly, hoping no one would hear me. Or maybe I want them to hear, because then they realize I do not want it and decide to cancel it all.

I doubt it, the Capitol's people are waiting for this. And this is my way to keep me and my family alive.

And Peeta alive.

I hear my trailer's door open again and hurry to dry up my tears. Blond hair and blue eyes sneaking in and for one moment – beyond wet eyes – I think this is Peeta. But then Prim gets in and sits next to me on the bed. And when I see her, I allow myself to cry again. She pulls me toward her and buries my face in her chest that just started to grow. All of a sudden I forget that she is my little sister and she is only twelve years old.

"Everything is okay Katniss". My little sister caresses my head and calms me down in her unique way. "You can cry, that's okay."

"It is so not fare!" I cry into her shirt.

"Nothing is fare in our life." Prim says like she is twenty years old and not twelve. She grabs my face in her hands and lifts them up from her shirt. She wipes my tears at the end of its sleeve. "But you are alive."

As long as I do whatever president Snow wants me to do.

"You are alive, Katniss, and that all! Think about it, what do you prefer? to die in the Hunger Games or to live with Peeta for the rest of your life?"

The question almost unnecessary and the answer is clear, live with Peeta. But is that what I would have chosen if Snow was not pressing me to do it? Probably not.  
Prim moves my disorderly hair behind my ear and then caresses my cheek. "You have to thank that it's Peeta. You could fall on someone much worse."

I look at her. She's probably right.

"Peeta is good and he really loves you. He won't do something you don't want him to do. He will keep you alive and take care of everything you need. You should know that, you know him better then me." Prim says. Somehow I get the feeling she knows that what happened between me and Peeta in the Arena was just a game, and that I don't love Peeta the way he loves me. I care about him a lot, but I'm not sure if it counts as love.

"Come on Katniss! Get out of this stupid trailer and eat dinner with us. I know Peeta eating himself because you do not let him see you and nobody tells him what's wrong with you."

Peeta. Always worries about me.

"Beside, do you really prefer to sit here alone and eat your heart?"

She is right, staying here alone will not be that helpful – it will only make my pain worse, but on the other hand, I don't know if I am able to get out of my trailer and sit with everybody in the dinning trailer and pretend that I'm happy. But I must try, if not for me then for Prim. Or for Peeta. Especially for Peeta. I cannot hurt him more than I already had.

I nod. "Fine, I'll come."

"Good girl." Prim smiles.

I pull her into a hug and caress her golden hair. I can't imagine a world without my little, innocent sister. When Prim is next to me, supporting me, encouraging me, I feel pride. And I'm so proud of myself that for the first time in my life I did something I will never even think to regret about. I saved my sister from the hands of the angel of death.

I fix my hair and change to a clean shirt. Prim takes my hand and together we go to the dinning trailer. Everybody is already there- Haymitch and my mother and Peeta and his parents and brothers. Everyone looks incited me when we go in and I smile shyly. "Hi everybody."

My mother smiles to me and nods to Prim. I know she sent her, she knows Prim has much more effect on me than she has.  
"So she is not dead ..." Haymitch mumbles into his glass, which is full of some red liquid, probably wine. The bottle on the table seems to have been half empty.

"Be quiet and drink." My mother scolds him. "Why don't you sit down?"

We go to the table. Prim sits between my mother to Peeta's mom - Clarice - and I sit between Haymitch Peeta's Mellark seems quite strong and except for some white hair braided in his wavy blond hair that, the only reminder for his fifty years. Now I know where Peeta inherited all his physical properties. He and his older brother John, who looks like he is twenty-five years old, are both replicas of their father. They both have the same strong facial structure and the nose and the strong body structure. The only difference between Peeta his older brother is Elliot and John has brown eyes. Peeta inherited his blue eyes from his mother.

I do not really know Clarice Mellark, but I remember that night when Peeta burned the bread and threw it for me and instead of the pigs. I remember her loudly screams and the mark of her hand on Peeta's cheek. I wonder to myself if she always behaved to Peeta that, if his brothers too. I look at her now and not really able to see any affection on her face. Unlike her husband, the signs of age are showing on it. Her bright-brown hair isn't glowing like before and I can see her white roots. There are some wrinkles in her face, at the forehead and around eyes. She quite reminds me a witch from those old fairy-tales that parents always tell their children. I am so grateful that the only thing Peeta inherited from her was his blue eyes.

Urick, Peeta's second brother, I cannot actually determine what his age, similar to his mother. He is only one from the boys that had no blond hair and he does not seem as strong as the rest of his family. He is the quiet among them, but he sits close to his mother and seems that he is only one she smiles at.  
This is the first time I see the Mellark family in a full composition. In fact, this is the first time I see Peeta's brothers.  
I wondered to myself really where they had gone through all these years. I have not seen them in the bakery at all – the only one worked there was Peeta. I figured they just worked in other places, perhaps even in another district, and returned home for the next few days.

I'm not really hungry, and I think my seclusion in the trailer for most of the journey caused many people to understand that I do not really want to cooperate with all the coming ceremonies. My lack of appetite just shows my depression, but I force myself to eat something. I send my hand to the bread basket in front of my and meet Peeta's hand, who send his own hand to take a bread. I take a piece of bread and pull my hand quickly. I'm all flush and do not dare to look in Peeta's face, I think he thinks that I don't like it and I do it because I have no choice. How can I look in the face of the boy who loves me unconditionally, who following like a blind man willing to stand my disgusting behavior toward him? He just does not deserve me.

Everybody is pretty quiet. No one really talks and everybody sticking their face in the plate and looks concentrates look at what they put in their mouths. It's pretty awkward, considering the fact we're all going to be one big happy family and no one has anything to say to each other.

Of course this is Prim who saves us all.  
"I still cannot believe we are going to the Capitol!" She says enthusiastically that only a child in her age can still get, an innocent girl who has experienced almost no hate in her life. "It is like they say?"

"Yes." Peeta says, smiling at her. "There are cars and illuminated signs on the high buildings and everything there is big."

I glance quickly at Peeta and join him for an explanation. "The people dress funny, but apparently it is the fashion of the Capitol. They have jewelry and diamonds, and fabrics and ribbons." This is not really interesting me, but I know Prim likes all this stuff.

"In short," says Haymitch and stifling a hiccup. "The exact opposite from our district. People with nose in the clouds who think money can bring them all."

We all look at him at once.

"What?". He shrugs. "You two were there only once. I'm going there for almost twenty-five years. Believe me; it's not getting better from time to time. Everyone convicted of this President Snow." He giggles and sips directly from the bottle of wine. "Ay, I need another one. If you'll excuse me ..." Haymitch gets up from the table and leaves swaying from the dinning trailer.

Prim looks pretty disappointed. She looks down and puts her hands in her lap.

"Do not listen to him." I rush to tell her. "He's drunk. He is always talking nonsense when he's drunk".

"Katniss is right." Peeta adds. "You'll love the Capitol, do not worry."

For the first time in the last few hours I direct my gaze to Peeta. I nod at him gratefully. He nods back with a sad little smile on his lips' corner. The worst? He cannot look me in the eye. It breaks me.

"Thanks for dinner." I get up off the chair and pretend that I'm dizzy. For a moment it does not look like I'm faking it.

"Are you okay?". Elliot asks.

"Yes. A little dizzy. I think I'll go to sleep." I avoid looking at them. "Good night."

I hurry back to my trailer and close the door behind. I do not even bother to change into pajamas - I go to bed wearing shirt and trousers I wore all day and pull the covers up over my head. I bury my face into the pillow and crying again. I cannot remember when the last time Peeta could not look at me was. I do not remember because it never happened. He never shifted his gaze from me, even when he was angry at me last winter. When we passed each other he always looked at me. Always his eyes blazed at me and only reflected his love for me, no matter how angry he was at me or disappointed from me. But now ... I do not know how to explain, but it hurts.

It's like they took my heart and tore it to pieces, and then threw them, and shot them. This is odd, because I do not know yet how I feel about Peeta. All I know is that I hurt him no matter what I do, and I ask myself how I could stand up in front of him and say things I not sure at them at all.  
I think this time I really understand that I am not deserve to Peeta. I should run away, cancel everything and announce before all Panem that Peeta do not deserve for a girl like me. Then I will kill myself and save Snow the bother.  
Yes, that's what I'll do.

Suddenly someone opens the door of my trailer. I have no power to speak to anyone, so I pretend to sleep. For some reason, it never works on him. I forgot that he knows that my sleep never so calm.

"Can I talk to you?" Peeta asks. "I know you do not sleep."

I do not turn, but stop pretending I'm asleep. I feel that he sits on the edge of the small bed and sighs. "I'm sorry."

What, is he stupid? He has nothing to be sorry for. I should beg for forgiveness. He has no reason to apologize for that he cannot look at me.

I turn to him and sit up. "You do not have to apologize for. I am the mess here. I'm the one that hurts you again and again."

"It's okay" Peeta says. "I get it."

"It's not okay. Don't try to make me feel better."

"Okay." He says.

The silence now is very loudly.

"I do not deserve to you." I break the silence. "We need to cancel it all…".

"And then what?" he asks. "Will we let all the people we love to die?"

Peeta is right. We have no choice.

"Forgive me." I say to him. "Forgive me for being selfish."

He turns toward me and smiles a pained smile. "All right, Katniss." He takes my hand. "I love you and you know it. No matter what you do I will not be able to be angry with you, I think."

"It's not good." I say with a little smile, hurt smile.

"I know." He laughs.

"How can you stand me? I can hardly stand myself ..." I lower my gaze.

"Stop talking like that. It is known that others see you for what you do not see yourself ..." Peeta lifts my chin with his fingers. "I would say it now, but then I will not have anything to say in my vows."

A little smile shows on my face. I know Peeta will cause the Capitol to cry happily with his vows. He will say how much he loves me and how he waited for this moment, to marry me. And I? I'm not going to say anything. Peeta is the best in words. Something in me vehemently opposes to this thought that came into my mind. Right, so Peeta is good in words! But he has what to talk about. And I, I won't be able to talk, not because I am speechless and stunned with shock, but because I know I cannot look him in the eye and lie. He would watch me with his beautiful face and will be proud on every single word that come out of his mouth and say to it with such admiration. Just because it's true.

He loves me.

But there is another two days. And I want to take them as much as possible.

"?Will you stay with me?" I ask quietly. "Here? Tonight"

"Always."


End file.
